Fernando Torres has revealed his lifelong love of hard cash, the Road End can exclusively reveal.

“Even as a young boy, back in Madrid, I used to love money,” he explained. “I was able to buy sweets with it. My ma and da would spend money to put food on our table, and even to pay the rent. In that sense you could say that I owe money everything. So when money came calling with this new offer, I didn’t have to think twice. I feel like I’m going back to my roots.”

Money itself was full of praise for its new signing. “Fernando Torres is exactly the kind of player we’re always looking for,” it said. “Torres has been the top-selling name on football shirts worldwide for the last two seasons running. And the great thing about Torres is there’s only six letters, so from a shirt-selling point of view you get more bang for your buck than you do with a name like Shevchenko, where there’s a whole bunch of unnecessary extra letters that we have to fork out for without getting any return on. And then the letters get so small that they’re harder to read. From a marketing point of view, that’s counterproductive. Torres is a much better fit.”

The 26-year-old striker, known as “El Coño” added: “My heroes have always been people like the Israeli international, Judas Iscariot, and Michael Owen. Since he left Liverpool, Owen has been turning up for training in a helicopter. How cool is that? If I can have half the career Michael Owen's had, I’ll be a happy man.”

Those statistics in full.

Liverpool FC:

League Champions 1900–01, 1905–06, 1921–22, 1922–23, 1946–47, 1963–64, 1965–66, 1972–73, 1975–76, 1976–77, 1978–79, 1979–80, 1981–82, 1982–83, 1983–84, 1985–86, 1987–88, 1989–90
European Cup winners: 1977, 1978, 1981, 1984, 2005

Michael Owen:

helicopter pad

Fernando Torres:
El Coño

Money:
Wall Street Crash (1929) Global Financial Crisis (2007 to present)

See also: Neil Diamond shock claim: "Money cannot sing, dance or walk"
The Beatles: "Money unable to buy love"
Abba: "Money probably funny."

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