Liverpool return to action this weekend with a trip to Fratton Park to face Harry Redknapp’s Portsmouth. After scraping by Derby at Anfield 2 weeks ago by 6 goals, Rafa Benitez knows a vastly improved performance is paramount to boost confidence in his struggling side. They sit top of the premier league after 4 games on goal difference alone which is simply not good enough given the money spent by the Spaniard over the close season.

£20M flop Fernando Torres has conned some Liverpool fans into thinking he is a good striker. Benitez must be given some credit for this as he has continuously partnered the young striker with 46 year old Ukranian free transfer, Andriy Voronin. Double amputee Lieutenant Dan from hit movie Forrest Gump would look good alongside that barrel of eastern European dog shite. Who the fuck is he kidding with that ponytail too, the gypsy cunt? Last seasons top scorer, the aptly named Peter ‘Crouch’ must be wondering what he has to do to get a game these days. Well for a 9’ 4” striker he might start by learning how not to head a ball tamely into the oppositions keeper’s hands.

Captain Steven Gerrard looks set to return after completeling two games for England and will likely partner Momo sissoko (pictured making an effort) in the centre of Midfield. "Red Sea Pedestrian", Yossi Benayoun may make his first start in the league for the reds after impressing in the drubbing of Tolouse in the champions league second leg, who nose?

Benitez, who’s demeanour has changed markedly this season to the affable fat man we grew to love in ‘04/’05, launched a scathing attack on the FA this week regarding congested fixture lists for international players. Clearly the pressure to succeed is finally getting to him. This was illustrated further when he was asked by one reporter whether he preferred this seasons white away kit to the yellow of last year..”Fuck up, cunt”, was the Spaniards response. A repeat of the narrow victory over Derby will only see pressure increase on a manager who is clearly starting to feel the strain.

The lead up to this game has been soured somewhat by in-fighting between many Liverpool fans over the actions of a section of fans seeking to ‘Reclaim The Kop’. The RTK crowd feel Anfield, and the Kop in particular, has lost what once made it great. ‘The spontaneity is gone so we plan to hand out song sheets prior to all home games with the words to ‘Liveeerpoooool Liveerpoool’, Poor Scouser Tommy and the Luis Garcia song. If that doesn’t bring the spontaneity back then fuck knows what will’. Said one RTK insider.

They feel Scouse values are being compromised by the increasing numbers of out of towners and ‘wools’ infesting the stadium with their Irish tri-colours, jester hats and trainers that aren’t Addidas Samba classics. “All these filthy mick bastards and cockney wideboys are coming over and taking the seats of good, honest scousers like the ones that forked out a fortune to go to Athens and rob tickets. It’s not on so we’re taking a stand, literally. ”.

Chief Executive Rick Parry described RTK as “complete bollocks“ and “a bunch of half-witted scouse cunts with fuck all better to do than cause trouble”. A spokeman for The Official Liverpool Supporters Club – Dublin branch had this to say “Ah for Jaysus fuckin sake, sure we’re all bleedin mad ‘Pool fans over here, like. I go over with de young f’la once a year on de ferry to the united game ‘cos I hate dem cunts and we always giv it bleedin loads and all dat. Der’s no need to be cunts about it. I even bought de new away jursey ‘n everythin”

Leader of RTK, internet warrior BHB, was unavailable for comment as he’s gone to France to watch Wales compete in the rugby world cup

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