Two weeks till the start of the new season and Rafa has all but finished his considerable summer spending. He’s still in the market for a new left back with Man U’s Gabriel Heinze looking most likely to take the place of John “my hair is shit” Arne “Kick it up the line and chase it” Riise. Somewhere in the region of £20M was wasted on the 22 year old Spaniard, Fernando Torres, who famously wore a captain’s armband with ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ scribed on it. A sickening display of real fannery we haven’t seen the like of since Paul C bought a fleece from the online shop. A further £6M or so was spent on Israeli Yossi Benayoun. The winger who was seen walking by Liverpool’s famous Cavern Club when a fan asked him for his autograph to which he gracefully gave although I’m sure he wasn’t expecting the retort he received…”Who the f**k are you? I thought you were Paul McCartney”, has been brought in to replace the departed midget thumb sucker, Luis Garcia.

Most worrying of all is the £13.5M capture of former Liverpool right back, Ryan Babel. The man who played a pivotal role in the treble winning side of 2001 has returned to the club to give an added dimension down the left. A bit odd for a right back with a life-threatening disease but who am I to argue with a man with such fine facial hair. The underwhelming signing of the gay haired, Andriy Voronin from Bayer Leverkusen, which had been struck in January last, isn’t even worth discussing, so I won’t.

With all those comings there inevitably had to be some goings from Anfield also. Craig Bellamy packed his Callaways and headed for West Ham, Bolo Zenden hopefully died and liverpoolfc.tv’s player of the season, Djibril Cisse took his glass bones back to France. Fans favourite, Robbie Fowler was let go and has signed a 2 year deal with Cardiff. Not bad for a kid from a council estate in Toxteth I think you’ll agree.

So how will all this affect our prospects for the coming season? We sold an average striker and got another one in. Then we sold an average striker and got another one in. Then we sold our best creative midfielder and got another on in. Then we signed a half dead right back and expect him to play left wing. Alarm bells are ringing and with Chelsea and Man U strengthening their already formidable squads it looks like Liverpool will again be scrapping it out for third place. The only question is who will be challenging them, Spurs or Arsenal.

We’ll get it though, sure Kewell’s back.

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