Full report by our man on the spot

I heard he was having a quiet glass of lemonade with his mates and then Pancake walked in with Alex Curran and they were kissing and stuff and then Pancake was mocking him saying haha you cant even score a hattrick against Newcastle and you smell and your wife kissed me on the lips haha and then Stevie went mental seeing this and hit Pancake with Alex's handbag and Alex was in tears cos it was a Gucci bag and now it had bits of blood and snot on it and it was ruined and she only had another 39 of them in the house and her chauffeur had the night off so she had to spend the rest of the night without a bag cos there was no way she was getting a taxi home cos you just dont know whos been in them taxis and theres germs everywhere and shes virtually royalty anyway and then the bizzies came in but it wasn't the real bizzies it was ED-209 out of robocop and he said Gerrard you have 15 seconds to comply and Gerrard just looked at him and he wasn't complying and then when the 15 seconds were up and Gerrard still hadn't complied ED-209 started spraying bullets everywhere but most of the bullets bounced off Gerrard's massive forehead and ricocheted all over the room killing 3 barmaids and a couple who were out celebrating Everton's win and even though Gerrard was half-dead he could be heard muttering under his breath take that you bluenose bastards haha but he didn't die and he's still alive but he's on death row apparently and it's only a matter of time before they fry him so he could be out of the preston game this is just what ive heard.

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