Full report by our man on the spot

I heard he was having a quiet glass of lemonade with his mates and then Pancake walked in with Alex Curran and they were kissing and stuff and then Pancake was mocking him saying haha you cant even score a hattrick against Newcastle and you smell and your wife kissed me on the lips haha and then Stevie went mental seeing this and hit Pancake with Alex's handbag and Alex was in tears cos it was a Gucci bag and now it had bits of blood and snot on it and it was ruined and she only had another 39 of them in the house and her chauffeur had the night off so she had to spend the rest of the night without a bag cos there was no way she was getting a taxi home cos you just dont know whos been in them taxis and theres germs everywhere and shes virtually royalty anyway and then the bizzies came in but it wasn't the real bizzies it was ED-209 out of robocop and he said Gerrard you have 15 seconds to comply and Gerrard just looked at him and he wasn't complying and then when the 15 seconds were up and Gerrard still hadn't complied ED-209 started spraying bullets everywhere but most of the bullets bounced off Gerrard's massive forehead and ricocheted all over the room killing 3 barmaids and a couple who were out celebrating Everton's win and even though Gerrard was half-dead he could be heard muttering under his breath take that you bluenose bastards haha but he didn't die and he's still alive but he's on death row apparently and it's only a matter of time before they fry him so he could be out of the preston game this is just what ive heard.

Liverpool 0 Fulham 0
Match report

Well, they said it couldn't be done. The mighty Fulham, frivolous plaything of the fun-loving multimillionaire Osama Bin Laden, brought their mighty scoring machine frontline to Anfield, hoping to chalk up even more points on the road.

Well, he might have recently defeated Hilary Clinton in the US Presidential By-election, but Barack Bin Laden couldn't bring the same touch of sparkle to Fulham's winning ways. Put simply, they got beat. Well, not beat exactly, but they drew anyway. And a draw is as bad as a defeat for Fulham but it's as good as a victory for top-of-the-table Liverpool, whose eight point gap over their nearest rivals is beginning to look unassailable. AND IT'S NOT EVEN DECEMBER YET.

Liverpool create chances with ease. It's obvious that the only reason we don't bother scoring them all is to MAKE THE LEAGUE A BIT MORE INTERESTING - something that the bubble-about-to-burst known as Chelsea might learn a bit about. Because while Liverpool were crushing Fulham at Anfield, Chelsea were - get this - BEING HELD TO A NIL-NIL DRAW BY PREMIER LEAGUE NO-HOPERS NEWCASTLE UNITED. How very boring.

Frankly, anybody who thinks the league isn't already over this season is only fooling themselves. The groundsman at Anfield is already extending the trophy cabinet.

It's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming, the Premiership's coming home.

Man of the Match Lucas Leiva 9.5
He's cute, he has a tireless engine, and he scores a PHENOMENABUBBLE number of goals.

Mick Barry

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