Number one: Be a boyhood Everton fan
It's still the reigning champion of all our favourite ways to get transferred to Liverpool: Jamie Carragher, Robbie Fowler, Steve Macmanaman, Michael Owen, Ian Rush, Ian Callaghan...

Not only does this get you the chance to come through the ranks at Liverpool, but you'll also get a chance to change you allegiance in the process. Then you can get the whole internet claiming you wear long sleeve shirts to cover the Everton tatoo you have for the rest of your career.

Toffeemen, we salute you!

Number two: Be a boyhood Liverpool fan
Harry Kewell! Jon-Arne Riise! Robbie Keane! [Maybe rethink this one - possibly move it down a bit - Ed.]

Number three: Provide helpful reminders of the score
People often lose track of how many European Cups we've won, so it's helpful to point this out from time to time, as Robbie Fowler, Fernando Torres and others enjoy doing, by helpfully holding up five fingers in case there's anyone in a Mancunian crowd who has learned how to count that far.

But a variation on this has now been established by Aly Cissokho (pictured). Coming off the pitch as his team had just scored a last minute equaliser at Old Trafford, Porto's speedy defender thought this might be a good idea to remind the Manc fans of what the score was the last time Man United met Liverpool.

Eschewing the chance to celebrate the two-two first-leg away draw, the excellent Cissokho decided instead to celebrate Liverpool's 4-1 thrashing of Man United a couple of weeks earlier.

Aly Cissokho, that right back slot is all yours...

Number four: You'll Never Wank Alone
Have it played at your wedding, have it stitched into your underwear and finally have it tattooed on your foreskin. Real fans will be falling over themselves to ask to touch your knob the moment you sign for the team.

Number five: Blackmail
Hold on to photo's that puts somebody high up in the club in an uncompromising position. We've had enough players over the years that must've had these photo's. Diao and Diouf seem to spring to mind, but I'm sure you can make a nice long list. Perhaps this is why Parry has left then?

Number six: Hand in a transfer request at your current club.
You obviously want to move on to the club that you've always wanted to play for. Then leave it up to some moronic individual to attempt to negotiate your transfer. There is now only a slim chance that you'll actually play for Liverpool but at least the fans of both clubs know where your loyalty really lies.

Number Seven: You're the new Zidane
Unfortunately though somebody forgot to tell the manager that Zidane had more going for him than a grade 1 haircut. At least when you come to sell him you may just get away with saying "he really is Zidane, just look at the hair".

Number eight: You're close enough in these times
Be a cheaper and shittier version of the player the manager really would like to buy. I know you wanted Messi but we managed to buy you two players that aren't quite up to his standard for the same price. One is a defender, the other is a tea boy. Do your best with them.

Number nine: Play in goal
If you really do want to play for Liverpool there really is no better position than to play in goal. The only problem we have though is that somebody needs to tell the club only one person can play in goal at any one time. Fuck that, we'll even buy two goalies on one day, just for good measure.

Number ten: Just happen to be born in a country
Make sure you your the same nationality as the current manager. English manager, Fowler and Macca in the team. French manager, Cheyrou and Diomede. Thank fuck we got a Spanish manager this time and not someone from San Marino is all I can say.

Andrea Dossena

Begorrah! To be sure! Molann an obair an fear!

It’s official! Lines are now closed for our fabulous “St Patrick’s Day song for Dossena” competition.

Chief Judge Mick Barry said: “The judges had a tough job this year. The standard of entry was very high. I, along with the other judges, was genuinely delighted to see some of the innovative and highly effective songs for Dossena dreamed up by Road End posters from around the world. Some were really world class. But in the end, we all agreed that my own entry was by far and away the best, as I’m sure our readers will be obliged to concede."

Winning entry:
Dossena you're the divil
you're leading me astray
over hills and mountains
and to Amerikay
you're sweeter stronger decenter
you're spunkier than tea
Dossena you're me darling drunk or sober

Mick Barry (c) 2009 All Rights Reserved

Highly commended:
Andrea Dossena's goat
If your name is Andrea Dossena come into the parlour
Low lie the fields of Andrea Dossena
Andrea Dossena are we

Top of the morning to yis all, to be sure, begorrah!

NB For technical reasons connected to our own incompetence, boneidleness and inattentivity to detail, this St Patrick’s Day message will remain on the front page until long after Andrea Dossena leaves the club or Liverpool win the Premiership, whichever is the sooner.

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