The ten week wait is over, Liverpool kick off their doomed-to-failure-by-the-end-of-August title assault at Villa park tomorrow live on Sky. In a break from the norm the noise coming from the majority of Liverpool fans is that we won’t win the title this season. Bollocks. They’re all just pretending so they won’t look stupid at the end of the season when we’re battling it out with Spurs for the final champions league spot, the deluded fools. We couldn’t even beat Portsmouth.

We take on the villains of Aston in our opening game in what many fans consider a ‘must win’ tie if we are to take home that much coveted 19 title. Make no mistake, this is a must win game. If we lose, we don’t get any points which will leave us in the precarious position of being level on points with bitter rivals Manchester united with united having a game in hand. That leaves us a paltry 37 games to make up such a massive deficit. Forgive me for not being too optimistic.

Benitez has a wealth of attacking options at his disposal and is liable to go all out to win this most crucial of encounters. Newly crowned Golden glove award winner and loveable slaphead, Pepe Reina will continue between the sticks leaving the Madonna toothed Scott Carson wondering what his future may hold. A trip to the dentist if he has any sense. Steve Finnan will deployed at right back to handle the threat of old timer and former Liverpool pin up, Paddy Berger. Given Finnan’s history with pensioners Berger should probably turn up in a Sherman tank or he could be leaving in a body bag. Local thief Jamie Carragher will partner Daniel Agger in defence as it looks increasingly likely that stalwart Sami Hyypia’s career could be Finnished. Fuck knows who’ll start at left back I’m just praying John Arne Riise, the ginger freak, is at Craig Bellamy’s watching the USPGA.

The midfield is anyone’s guess. Jermaine Pennant, who finished last season very strongly is likely to join his partner in driving crime down the right. Mr Liverpool Steven Gerrard fresh from receiving his award for player of the season 07/08 will be partnered by one of Xabi Alonso, Javier Mascherano or Mohamed Sissoko. Harry ‘last chance saloon’ Kewell is just one of 3 options available down the left. He’s fighting it out with new boys, Yossi Benayoun and Dutch Starlet Ryan Babel. Kewell is likely to get the nod but expect him to hobble off after tipping the ball off. He will however miraculously return if we reach any major final.

The most intriguing question of all will be who starts up front. Peter’ What in the name of Christ do I have to do to get a game’ Crouch will be erm…crouched in the dugout for the entire game. Dirk Kuyt is sure to start and will likely be partnered by record signing Fernando Torres because Andriy Voronin is fucking shite.

Regardless of who starts the game it will unfold in exactly the same way. We will dominate for long spells and pepper the Villa goal without ever looking threatening. Pennant will skin his man 14 times in a row and yet not get one decent cross into the box. Gerrard will run around like the headless cunt he is without ever doing anything useful. Same goes Kuyt. Torres will be busy making sure his hair looks ok throughout the game. Kewell will watch the game from Birmingham general hospital. Riise will shoot as soon as he’s within 80 yards of goal. And so and so forth for 90 minutes. The only plus point will be that we’ll leave the ground knowing there is at least one team in the league more boring than us. Villa.

Luckily for me I’ll have been in the pub from 1pm so I’ll be too pissed to give a flying fuck.

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