Fernando Torres has revealed his lifelong love of hard cash, the Road End can exclusively reveal.

“Even as a young boy, back in Madrid, I used to love money,” he explained. “I was able to buy sweets with it. My ma and da would spend money to put food on our table, and even to pay the rent. In that sense you could say that I owe money everything. So when money came calling with this new offer, I didn’t have to think twice. I feel like I’m going back to my roots.”

Money itself was full of praise for its new signing. “Fernando Torres is exactly the kind of player we’re always looking for,” it said. “Torres has been the top-selling name on football shirts worldwide for the last two seasons running. And the great thing about Torres is there’s only six letters, so from a shirt-selling point of view you get more bang for your buck than you do with a name like Shevchenko, where there’s a whole bunch of unnecessary extra letters that we have to fork out for without getting any return on. And then the letters get so small that they’re harder to read. From a marketing point of view, that’s counterproductive. Torres is a much better fit.”

The 26-year-old striker, known as “El Coño” added: “My heroes have always been people like the Israeli international, Judas Iscariot, and Michael Owen. Since he left Liverpool, Owen has been turning up for training in a helicopter. How cool is that? If I can have half the career Michael Owen's had, I’ll be a happy man.”

Those statistics in full.

Liverpool FC:

League Champions 1900–01, 1905–06, 1921–22, 1922–23, 1946–47, 1963–64, 1965–66, 1972–73, 1975–76, 1976–77, 1978–79, 1979–80, 1981–82, 1982–83, 1983–84, 1985–86, 1987–88, 1989–90
European Cup winners: 1977, 1978, 1981, 1984, 2005

Michael Owen:

helicopter pad

Fernando Torres:
El Coño

Wall Street Crash (1929) Global Financial Crisis (2007 to present)

See also: Neil Diamond shock claim: "Money cannot sing, dance or walk"
The Beatles: "Money unable to buy love"
Abba: "Money probably funny."

Rushmore the legacy

I left the stadium last night with the sound of “Can we play you every week?” ringing in my ears. True, we had just trounced West Ham United (arguably East London’s most feted club after Charlton Athletic, runners-up in the historic White Horse FA Cup Final of 1923, the list of their honours just goes on and on) but I found myself thinking that what we REALLY need is a song for arguably our most fated manager, after Don Welsh.

Roy Hodgson instantly won a place in our hearts, of course. The first song we sang for him was “Rafa, Rafael” (to the tune of “Rafael Benítez”) to signify that he was already on a par with one of our former managers who had brought our fifth European Cup home from Istanbul. The second song we came up with was “Dalglish!” (to the tune of “One two three four, five nil!”) to signify that his management genius was the equivalent of those wonders that “King” Kenny Dalglish used to bring about on the pitch. Hodgson and Dalglish – the words are effectively synonymous.

But the true meaning of these songs and chants was lost on the London-based UK journos who just a few months earlier had been chummying up to arguably England’s most fetid manager. They mistakenly believed that we were asking for the geriatric Kenny Dalglish to be brought in as Hodgson’s understudy. Read our lips, London-based hacks: ROY HODGSON DOESN’T NEED ANYBODY’S HELP.

Our results under King Roy may not have been all the plain sailing that yesterday’s victory over West Ham might suggest, of course. But we have to accept that Roy has had to cope with a lot of deadwood that he inherited from the previous regime. Mentioning no names, but the words Konchesky, Poulsen, Meireles and Joe Cole spring to mind. (NB. Those are, technically speaking, names – Ed.)

The fact is that Roy Hodgson has won over the fans who think only of the short term and also those of us who prefer to look at the bigger picture.

Other Liverpool managers have songs that celebrate their names. Roy Hodgson’s two songs both compare him with previous managers and frankly, this doesn’t do him justice. Accordingly we are inviting entries for a new LFC competition – “A Song for Roy Hodgson”. The winner will be awarded the Christian Purslow Award for Footballing Astuteness.

Here are some possible openings to get you started.
1. To the tune of “Oh Boy” by Buddy Holly. “Oh Roy and LFC, oh joy, the world will see, that this was meant to be.”
2. To the tune of “Living next door to Alice” by Roy “Chubby” Hodgson. “We hope he’s never leaving and he’s never going to go, the board must have had their reasons, but we don’t want to know, because for thirty-five years he’s been best mates with Alex.”
3. To the theme song for Dad’s Army. “Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hodgson?”

Happy lyricism, songsmiths! Get those pencils sharpened!

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