On football forums, there’s a certain art to posting in match threads. The sane approach is to actually watch or listen to the game, and afterwards sit back for a while and mull things over, then post something reasoned and constructive. The alternative is to take a gamble and post during the game in the hope that subsequent events don’t make you out to be an idiot.

Compare and contrast the following posts made during the 3-2 win over Manchester City. First up is Nigel- also known as Nidgemo. A 30-something, slightly retarded Northern Irish bellend who is banned from most LFC sites for being a slightly retarded bellend, Nigel has rather less insight than our former resident Champion of Being Wrong, Vikram. Ably supported by Carousel, who believes that we got a good deal in Gillet and Hicks, the kneejerks come thick and fast.

Nidgemo (03:46 PM): “Well, that's that game over.”

Mick Jagger (03:41 PM): “Go on Rafa, be bold. Make a sub before 60mins.”

Nidgemo (03:48 PM): “Ha ha.

“Some fucking chance. He'll take Torres off on exactly 60 minutes and replace him with Agger.”

Carousel (03:51 PM): “It's over, we have no game plan for this.

“At 0-1, I knew we would play for the tie... now I expect Rafa to pull Torres and Gerrard off whilst hoisting a white flag.”

Nidgemo (4:14 PM): “What unambitious shite.

“38 minutes left, 2-0 down, on the attack - how many players did we get into the oppositions box for the cross?


PaulC (04:15 PM): “Unambitious? we've been running at them all this half.

“2-1 now with the whole team getting up into attack.”

Nidgemo (04:18 PM): “That was better. We got two men in the box for that cross.

“It's like watching Ardiles spurs all over again.

“I predict a 7-6 win.”

PaulC (04:19 PM): “I know you're anti-Benitez and revel in Liverpool losing, but I did think at one time you knew a thing about football.

“Oh well, just another troll on the pile then, Nidgeram.”

Nidgemo: *snip* Editor’s note- Nigel’s response to this has been removed due to several readers complaining about vomiting their spleens up in sheer, toe-curling embarrassment for him.

PaulC (4:33 PM- Torres has just equalised): “Ha, ha, stick that unambition up your fucking hole.”

Nidgemo: *silence*

Carousel (04:53 PM- Kuyt has just got the winner): “DIRK MOTHER FUCKING KUYT!!!!”


brian-boitano (04:53 PM): “thou ginger beaaaauuuuuuutttttyyy!!!!!!!!!!”


BillyBudd (04:53 PM): “We're gonna win the fucking league.”

Larky (04:54 PM): “UNBELIEVABLE.”

Nidgemo: *silence*

Next up is FinnMacCool. Finn is a 30-something Liverpudlian who gained immortal fame for his half time posts during the 2005 Champion’s League final and has a habit of being right. Finn is worth several billion and is currently banned from all betting shops in the EU.

FinnMacCool (03:45 PM): “Two-nil down doesn't bother a scouser.”

FinnMacCool (04:10 PM):
“We're bound to win now because that was a clear peno and so they've got Dirk Kuyt angry. They won't like him when he's angry.”

So there you have it. Do you think you can be a better pundit than Finn? Maybe you’re completely incapable of critically analyzing a football match without kneejerking like a Parkinson’s victim during a reflex test, and fancy a crack at Nigel’s Brown Crown of Wrongness. Join in the fun and sign up now.

Two weeks till the start of the new season and Rafa has all but finished his considerable summer spending. He’s still in the market for a new left back with Man U’s Gabriel Heinze looking most likely to take the place of John “my hair is shit” Arne “Kick it up the line and chase it” Riise. Somewhere in the region of £20M was wasted on the 22 year old Spaniard, Fernando Torres, who famously wore a captain’s armband with ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ scribed on it. A sickening display of real fannery we haven’t seen the like of since Paul C bought a fleece from the online shop. A further £6M or so was spent on Israeli Yossi Benayoun. The winger who was seen walking by Liverpool’s famous Cavern Club when a fan asked him for his autograph to which he gracefully gave although I’m sure he wasn’t expecting the retort he received…”Who the f**k are you? I thought you were Paul McCartney”, has been brought in to replace the departed midget thumb sucker, Luis Garcia.

Most worrying of all is the £13.5M capture of former Liverpool right back, Ryan Babel. The man who played a pivotal role in the treble winning side of 2001 has returned to the club to give an added dimension down the left. A bit odd for a right back with a life-threatening disease but who am I to argue with a man with such fine facial hair. The underwhelming signing of the gay haired, Andriy Voronin from Bayer Leverkusen, which had been struck in January last, isn’t even worth discussing, so I won’t.

With all those comings there inevitably had to be some goings from Anfield also. Craig Bellamy packed his Callaways and headed for West Ham, Bolo Zenden hopefully died and liverpoolfc.tv’s player of the season, Djibril Cisse took his glass bones back to France. Fans favourite, Robbie Fowler was let go and has signed a 2 year deal with Cardiff. Not bad for a kid from a council estate in Toxteth I think you’ll agree.

So how will all this affect our prospects for the coming season? We sold an average striker and got another one in. Then we sold an average striker and got another one in. Then we sold our best creative midfielder and got another on in. Then we signed a half dead right back and expect him to play left wing. Alarm bells are ringing and with Chelsea and Man U strengthening their already formidable squads it looks like Liverpool will again be scrapping it out for third place. The only question is who will be challenging them, Spurs or Arsenal.

We’ll get it though, sure Kewell’s back.

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