Liverpool return to action this weekend with a trip to Fratton Park to face Harry Redknapp’s Portsmouth. After scraping by Derby at Anfield 2 weeks ago by 6 goals, Rafa Benitez knows a vastly improved performance is paramount to boost confidence in his struggling side. They sit top of the premier league after 4 games on goal difference alone which is simply not good enough given the money spent by the Spaniard over the close season.

£20M flop Fernando Torres has conned some Liverpool fans into thinking he is a good striker. Benitez must be given some credit for this as he has continuously partnered the young striker with 46 year old Ukranian free transfer, Andriy Voronin. Double amputee Lieutenant Dan from hit movie Forrest Gump would look good alongside that barrel of eastern European dog shite. Who the fuck is he kidding with that ponytail too, the gypsy cunt? Last seasons top scorer, the aptly named Peter ‘Crouch’ must be wondering what he has to do to get a game these days. Well for a 9’ 4” striker he might start by learning how not to head a ball tamely into the oppositions keeper’s hands.

Captain Steven Gerrard looks set to return after completeling two games for England and will likely partner Momo sissoko (pictured making an effort) in the centre of Midfield. "Red Sea Pedestrian", Yossi Benayoun may make his first start in the league for the reds after impressing in the drubbing of Tolouse in the champions league second leg, who nose?

Benitez, who’s demeanour has changed markedly this season to the affable fat man we grew to love in ‘04/’05, launched a scathing attack on the FA this week regarding congested fixture lists for international players. Clearly the pressure to succeed is finally getting to him. This was illustrated further when he was asked by one reporter whether he preferred this seasons white away kit to the yellow of last year..”Fuck up, cunt”, was the Spaniards response. A repeat of the narrow victory over Derby will only see pressure increase on a manager who is clearly starting to feel the strain.

The lead up to this game has been soured somewhat by in-fighting between many Liverpool fans over the actions of a section of fans seeking to ‘Reclaim The Kop’. The RTK crowd feel Anfield, and the Kop in particular, has lost what once made it great. ‘The spontaneity is gone so we plan to hand out song sheets prior to all home games with the words to ‘Liveeerpoooool Liveerpoool’, Poor Scouser Tommy and the Luis Garcia song. If that doesn’t bring the spontaneity back then fuck knows what will’. Said one RTK insider.

They feel Scouse values are being compromised by the increasing numbers of out of towners and ‘wools’ infesting the stadium with their Irish tri-colours, jester hats and trainers that aren’t Addidas Samba classics. “All these filthy mick bastards and cockney wideboys are coming over and taking the seats of good, honest scousers like the ones that forked out a fortune to go to Athens and rob tickets. It’s not on so we’re taking a stand, literally. ”.

Chief Executive Rick Parry described RTK as “complete bollocks“ and “a bunch of half-witted scouse cunts with fuck all better to do than cause trouble”. A spokeman for The Official Liverpool Supporters Club – Dublin branch had this to say “Ah for Jaysus fuckin sake, sure we’re all bleedin mad ‘Pool fans over here, like. I go over with de young f’la once a year on de ferry to the united game ‘cos I hate dem cunts and we always giv it bleedin loads and all dat. Der’s no need to be cunts about it. I even bought de new away jursey ‘n everythin”

Leader of RTK, internet warrior BHB, was unavailable for comment as he’s gone to France to watch Wales compete in the rugby world cup

The ten week wait is over, Liverpool kick off their doomed-to-failure-by-the-end-of-August title assault at Villa park tomorrow live on Sky. In a break from the norm the noise coming from the majority of Liverpool fans is that we won’t win the title this season. Bollocks. They’re all just pretending so they won’t look stupid at the end of the season when we’re battling it out with Spurs for the final champions league spot, the deluded fools. We couldn’t even beat Portsmouth.

We take on the villains of Aston in our opening game in what many fans consider a ‘must win’ tie if we are to take home that much coveted 19 title. Make no mistake, this is a must win game. If we lose, we don’t get any points which will leave us in the precarious position of being level on points with bitter rivals Manchester united with united having a game in hand. That leaves us a paltry 37 games to make up such a massive deficit. Forgive me for not being too optimistic.

Benitez has a wealth of attacking options at his disposal and is liable to go all out to win this most crucial of encounters. Newly crowned Golden glove award winner and loveable slaphead, Pepe Reina will continue between the sticks leaving the Madonna toothed Scott Carson wondering what his future may hold. A trip to the dentist if he has any sense. Steve Finnan will deployed at right back to handle the threat of old timer and former Liverpool pin up, Paddy Berger. Given Finnan’s history with pensioners Berger should probably turn up in a Sherman tank or he could be leaving in a body bag. Local thief Jamie Carragher will partner Daniel Agger in defence as it looks increasingly likely that stalwart Sami Hyypia’s career could be Finnished. Fuck knows who’ll start at left back I’m just praying John Arne Riise, the ginger freak, is at Craig Bellamy’s watching the USPGA.

The midfield is anyone’s guess. Jermaine Pennant, who finished last season very strongly is likely to join his partner in driving crime down the right. Mr Liverpool Steven Gerrard fresh from receiving his liverpoolfc.tv award for player of the season 07/08 will be partnered by one of Xabi Alonso, Javier Mascherano or Mohamed Sissoko. Harry ‘last chance saloon’ Kewell is just one of 3 options available down the left. He’s fighting it out with new boys, Yossi Benayoun and Dutch Starlet Ryan Babel. Kewell is likely to get the nod but expect him to hobble off after tipping the ball off. He will however miraculously return if we reach any major final.

The most intriguing question of all will be who starts up front. Peter’ What in the name of Christ do I have to do to get a game’ Crouch will be erm…crouched in the dugout for the entire game. Dirk Kuyt is sure to start and will likely be partnered by record signing Fernando Torres because Andriy Voronin is fucking shite.

Regardless of who starts the game it will unfold in exactly the same way. We will dominate for long spells and pepper the Villa goal without ever looking threatening. Pennant will skin his man 14 times in a row and yet not get one decent cross into the box. Gerrard will run around like the headless cunt he is without ever doing anything useful. Same goes Kuyt. Torres will be busy making sure his hair looks ok throughout the game. Kewell will watch the game from Birmingham general hospital. Riise will shoot as soon as he’s within 80 yards of goal. And so and so forth for 90 minutes. The only plus point will be that we’ll leave the ground knowing there is at least one team in the league more boring than us. Villa.

Luckily for me I’ll have been in the pub from 1pm so I’ll be too pissed to give a flying fuck.